Here she is, our little "bulldog" on her very first day of school!! Wow, looking back at this picture now, I'm getting emotional. However, at the time this photo was snapped (one week ago), I was more nervous than anything else. We were running late due to some miscommunication in the handouts, though I didn't realize it until we hit the front doors. From that point on everything seemed to go by lightning fast. I remember feeling things now in little emotional flashes. I kept feeling as if I didn't have enough time to react properly...
In retrospect I'm convinced that I would have cried afterwards, however Nick was there. We were talking and I was distracted and no bawling did occur. However, I did feel kind of empty and strange, like something just wasn't right... perhaps like I'd just left my first born off in some school system I barely knew with some teacher who I'd talked to a whole 3 minutes... yeah something felt majorly off. However, I also felt pretty okay with the school. We'd attended information night there a while back and Nora went to Boost there for a week. We had orientation there just the week before and Nora seemed to like it there... but still, it was hard, just leaving her there. In REAL SCHOOL, for the first time ever.
Also, I felt a bit guilty?/proud? that I decided NOT to walk her to all the way to her class. I wasn't aware beforehand that I even COULD but then the secretary asked if I was planning on it...and I heard myself saying, "no". I guess it was b/c I hadn't planned on it and I knew Nora and I were already running late...also I wasn't sure how walking her in would make either of us feel and things were going by too quickly to weigh options and to plan... so, snap decision, I parted ways with my KINDERGARTENER (o.m.g.) right then and there in the office. She got a bit nervous when she heard I was leaving her off like that but then she was brave about it and we hugged and we parted ways. I walked out afterwards in a bit of a rush, not knowing if I felt really good or really bad about what just happened. The only thing I did know was that I didn't know at all...
Fast forward a bit to us driving to pick her up. Thank God her school is so close. We were early getting there rather than late this time. I could not wait to see Nora and ask her about her day. I could not wait to see that she was okay and to give her a gigantic hug. But when I walked in she was distracted...by a plethora of other kids. And she was playing and distracted and having fun and she didn't want to go home! And that was literally when my heart got ripped in two. It was the moment when I realized with both horror and with pride, that she really was entirely okay without me there. It's when I think about that more than anything else, that I want to happy/sad cry all over the freaking place.
So here we are now, on the eve of Nora's second week of school and things are already routine. Our schedule's pretty much set in stone...and we know what to expect. Still it's kinda tough knowing we'll have to part again soon. We'll have to go off and be our own people for a while. I think that's the hardest part of all of this. The fact that we are two separate entities and that with each milestone that goes by, that fact becomes more and more true and more apparent. It makes me so happy to see the person Nora has become and the person that she has yet to be. I am in awe of that fact and a bit terrified too. Mostly I'm terrified of being separate from her. I just hope that she doesn't drift too far or too fast because sometimes, as a parent, I feel like there's just not enough time to properly react.
